Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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