Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Just puked most of my soul out..
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
