How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
