Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
