My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
