Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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