and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
