how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
