I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
