Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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