so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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