i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
