If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
