whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
