he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
