I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
