I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
