Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i think my mom watched the whole time
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
