i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
