went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
