I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
