Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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