so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
