Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
