Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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