Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You just made me feel so damn special
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
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All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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