yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
