My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
