He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
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Drunk walkin through police station. America
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
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I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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