so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
