youre lurking in front of me
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
