so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
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When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
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That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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