we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
