I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Everyone says I win the strip club
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
