wakey wakey hands off snakey
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
