it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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