she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
