I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
