You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
