I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
