Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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