Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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