I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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