Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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