It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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