You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
