If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
then he tried to convert me to islam
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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