So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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