i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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