i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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