Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
