Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
