I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
