i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
there is glitter all over my balls
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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