i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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