he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
