I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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