Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My vagina is officially offended.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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