Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
